Saturday, February 11, 2012

Ouch! subtitled @#$%

Posted by LA Dale 0 comments
Humiliation? Embarrassment?  Pain? Anger?
Or all of the above?  What word could possibly describe my day?
Yesterday I had the dubious honour of attending the local Diagnostic Centre to have a mammogram and ultrasound.  For girls, the excitement of such a day can only be surpassed by that other fabulous experience - the PAP smear and thank God I wasn't to be involved in that activity as well! Having never been to the hospital in question, I arrived ten or so minutes early. Lucky for me.  The hospital was in the middle of major building works and half of it was covered in hessian. I couldn't see a sign anywhere and so, becoming a little worried that I had actually gone to the wrong place, I rang the reception to ask for direction.
Okay.  Embarrassing moment number one *insert red face here*. I was actually standing in front of the building I was meant to be in talking to the lady who was looking at me through the window.  #Oops.
Having recovered myself, I went inside and was lead down the corridor to a cubicle where the lovely Victoria gave me a gown to put on my top half. Stunning things hospital gowns, so....generic... especially when worn back to front. Cue embarrassing moment number two.
Then came the fun part.  I had to take off the back to front gown and have my boob laid flat and squashed like a pancake in the xray machine.  Victoria did her best to make me feel less awkward but seriously, she had my boob in her hand. A conversation about the weather didn't really cut it. Not after she informed me she may have to take extra shots if the first lot didn't come out well.  It's my boob, Victoria, I thought.  Give it your best. It's not going to smile and say cheese! She took a few photos and let me put my sexy gown back on. Then, after ten minutes or so, we went down the hall to the ultrasound room.  
Here, nice girl  number two greeted me and tried to make me feel comfortable by telling me the gown was still on back to front and it might be easier if I turned it round the right way to preserve my dignity. God, I'd lost it way before then. She then proceeded to invite the entire staff of the centre into the tiny space to have a picnic while she chatted on and gave me the ultrasound. Clearly, it was lunchtime for some.
Turns out the Ultrasound wasn't as rosy as expected.  I needed a core biopsy to go along with it - In came yet another doctor who asked me if I was allergic to anything.
"Only needles," I joked, giving him a brief run down on the possibility of embarrassing moment number three occurring. IE: me fainting, having a seizure and wetting my pants after him giving me a needle. Needles don't actually bother me. They just bother my body and send it into shock. I'm used to it but I could tell the poor doctor was a bit freaked out.  He sent the nurse out to prepare the crash cart just in case.
So, he tells me how the procedure goes.  All fairly straight forward if you like spending your lunch hour with a metal probe poked into your chest while other people eat sandwiches and type stuff on the computer.  Then he gave me the local.
Now clearly, he was either overcome by my beauty at this stage or still freaked by the fact that I could faint at any point because he didnt give me enough anesthetic. And you can guess what happened a few minutes later. 
Right in the middle of probe three, I felt the most excruciating pain at which I yelled some words that begin with 'f' and cannot be said in front of children. His response? "It must be a sensitive area." 
Geez, ya reckon? 
"Let's try another spot," he said and began to push and prod some more. 
This time I almost kicked him. I began to cry before promptly announcing I was about to faint if he didnt get that thing out of me. That got some action.
"Maybe the anesthetic is wearing off?" he thought aloud.
Was he kidding? #cerealboxdegree?
"What would you like me to do?" he asked.
"Well, how about you give me some more?" I said sweetly.  Really. I did want to say something else but I was too busy trembling, crying and trying not to faint to swear at him. 
The whole thing took twenty minutes, at which point they let me get dressed and sent me out the the accounts department.  $900 people!! That's how much they charged me! $900 for an hour of humiliation, pain and anger.
If I hadn't been so truamatised I would have thrown a real hissy fit.


Saturday, January 21, 2012

Would YOU keep reading?

Posted by LA Dale 0 comments
Having re-written the first chapter of The Cupcake Guy, I'd like to know if you're hooked enough to want to keep on reading.....

Chapter 1

“Are you serious?”
“I’m afraid so.”
Looking across the counter at Connor, Olivia swallowed her shock, trying to take control of the hurt that was suddenly raging inside. His round blue eyes were staring at her, filled with the kind of look that told her he couldn’t understand why he’d gone out with such a loser in the first place. There wasn’t a hint of guilt or sadness. 
Olivia sniffed, her blood beginning to boil. How could this have happened? What could she have possibly done this time? She hadn’t mentioned the ‘L’ word.  She hadn’t been needy or clingy. Everything had been going so well. 
After a whirlwind romance that began with their eyes meeting over the organic bananas at the supermarket, Olivia and Connor had gone on six dates in three weeks.  Connor had been the perfect gentleman, in fact so much of a gentleman, that Olivia became a little concerned when he hadn’t put the hard word on her. She was beginning to think he might be secretly gay, one of those poor fellows who couldn’t come out and say it so they went out with untold amounts of girls to prove themselves wrong in their own minds.
Connor had told her he loved her hair and that he liked the fact that she had her own business. He’d complemented her sense of humour and whispered some very dirty little sweet nothings in her ear. And though he’d balked at meeting her mother well, actually picking her up from her mother’s place - they’d had a romantic picnic under the willow tree at Apex Park with a bottle of Moet, for God’s sake. Now he was putting her back onto the reject pile? What had she done?
“Does this have anything to do with last night?” It was the only possible reason he could give. 
Last night had been the first time she and Connor had done the deed. Olivia had been so convinced that he was the one; she hadn’t wanted to have sex until the moment had been exactly right. Having decided that his cooking dinner for her at his place was probably the right time, she’d shaved and plucked her body into submission and even bought a new matching set of lingerie for the occasion.  Connor loved red.  Or so he’d said.
Funnily enough, she’d sensed a certain hesitance on his part after he’d stripped her of her jeans and top. It was as if his whole demeanor changed when he discovered that she wasn’t the kind of girl who looked good in a g-string. Which may also have had something to do with his clamouring to switch out the light. At the time, she’d put it down to nerves, the newness of the relationship. But now, well…?
Connor shifted uncomfortably and looked at his feet.  He couldn’t even meet her eyes. “No, not at all. It’s nothing to do with last night. I don’t think it’s going to work between us, that’s all.”
“Did I suck or something?”
“Of course not.”
She knew she hadn’t.  Olivia had certain skills that had been described as ‘bloody marvellous’ and ‘fucking awesome’ in the past. Unfortunately, they didn’t appear to be enough of a lure for Connor.
“Then why?”
Connor let out a great big sigh. “Look. I just don’t find you that attractive with your clothes off, if you really want to know.”
Olivia’s eyes opened so wide they actually hurt.
“I beg your pardon?”
“You have cellulite, Livvy.  Your bum looks like an unpeeled orange. You don’t look good naked. In fact, you’re way fatter than you lead me to believe.”
Olivia blinked.  She didn’t know whether to be mad or upset or both. What drugs was he on? So she wore slimming jeans and a push-up bra.  Every girl did. And they didn’t change the shape of you that much. It was all marketing hype.
“Is that why we had to have the light off?”
“Partly.”
“What was the rest of the reason?”
“I thought you were a natural blonde. Re-growth is a real turn off for me.”
Oh for God’s sake, nobody was a natural blonde at their age.
“So let me get this straight, you don’t want to go out with me anymore because you feel you’ve been misled?”
“Something like that. Look, Livvy, I’m really sorry.”
“For what? Calling me fat or for the fact that you’re a complete arsehole? Tell me, was all that wining and dining just to get me in the sack?”
“NO!”
Which totally meant it was.
“How many other girls have you picked up in the banana aisle?”
Now he looked sheepish. She’d caught the sleaze bag out. “Only a couple. But listen, I like you - as a person - and I’d be totally willing to go out with you again after you drop ten or so kilos.”
“Oh. My. God.  You creep.  You absolute creep. Get out! Get out now!”
Shoving him towards the exit, Olivia pushed him down the two steps that led to the footpath. She was so tempted to kick his bum on the way out.
“Oh, and Connor?”
He turned back.
“I might be able to lose a few kilos but you’re not going to be able to hide that bald spot by combing hair over it for much longer.”
Olivia went back into the shop, shutting the door in his face. Grabbing her keys, she flipped the sign to ‘Back in 5 minutes’ and bolted down the road to the Maggie’s Bakery.  She was well aware that it was two o’clock in the afternoon, and the lunch trade would have cleaned out her shelves but if Maggie didn’t have any peppermint slice left there was going to be hell to pay.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Princess and the Rugby Player

Posted by LA Dale 0 comments
Having grown up in a family of rugby fanatics it wasn't surprising that Princess, the youngest in our clan has also developed a penchant for the game and the men who play it. I'm completely addicted to the game and Big G and Guitar Boy were very good players in their day (Guitar Boy, of course, has gone on to become an aspiring rock star -  not exactly compatible with being a rugby star as you need body parts intact in order to play instruments.)
Anyone who has followed this blog for a while will know of Princess's massive crush on former Western Force star, James O'Connor and the story of how she followed him around our neighbourhood to woo him (some call it stalking, I think).  Today, I'm breaking the news that IT'S OVER. Yes, Princess has a new love.
At the end of last year, James O'Connor announced he was leaving the Force to play for the Melbourne team, The Rebels (boo, hiss).  This, of course, was met with cries of 
"Oh my God, my life is over," and "Do you think I can transfer to a Melbourne Uni?" from Princess who did not understand that after a player has left our team we no longer like him.  In fact, he is the enemy.
Busy planning her move to Melbourne in her head, she was completely taken aback when, while standing in the gelati shop in Leederville, she came across three of the Force players.  Two she knew of - one being the Craig McLachlin look-alike Nick Cummins - the other she had never seen before because he'd spent much of last season on the sidelines after being totally stitched up at the judiciary for a spear tackle. Apparently, it was love at first sight.  Not with Craig McLachlin, he needs a bit of a hair cut.
Princess was instantly on the phone to me wanting to know who the Force player was that looks like Emmett from Twilight.  I thought of Rory Sidey because, basically, nobody else on the team looks anything like that. Of course, Big G didn't understand how I knew who she could possibly be talking about, never having seen Twilight, but I took a punt and googled a pic of him, sending it to her phone.

"Oh my God, that's him!" she texted back.  "He's way cuter than James O'Connor." 
I'm sure Rory would be pleased to hear that, although I don't know how he'll cope having assumed the role of God in my daughter's eyes.

A couple of months have passed and her obsession with Mr Sidey doesn't seem to have waned. Today on Twitter I saw his @ tag and clicked through, not even realising the poor boy had a twitter page.  This is what I was greeted with... (see pic) along with a bio reading rugby player AND law student. What mother wouldn't want a son-in-law with credentials like that? Yes, he may be a little mature for Princess but older boys are nice so I'm totally giving my blessing for her to marry Rory. (Assuming he's single of course. I wouldn't want to be party to the breaking up of any relationships.) Besides, I never liked James anyway.  He's a very good player but I think the only love affair he'll ever be in is with his hair.
So, if you're at a game this season and you see a beautiful young girl sitting down the front with a pair of binoculars  next to a woman wearing blue who's swearing at the Foxtel man to get out of the way, don't be alarmed.  It's probably Princess indulging in her new crush.

PS: (The picture above is courtesy of Rory Sidey's Twitter profile.  I hope he doesn't mind but if he does I can always take it down)

Monday, January 9, 2012

Here's a Taster....

Posted by LA Dale 0 comments
Just in case you may be wondering what's going on with Cam and Lacey ....

Chapter 1 

High above Angel’s Bend the sun rose in clouds of gold and amber, casting a warm glow over the sleeping town.  As the sun hit the windows of the houses below, sparks of light flashed into the sky here and there.  Windows began to open to the magpies’ morning song, bodies stretched behind curtains making ready for the day.
On top of the boulder at Angel’s Peak, Lacey lay sleeping with her head in Cam’s lap. Her dark hair fanned over his knees like a blanket against the cold and he smiled as he sifted it through his fingers. Despite the turmoil of the previous day, the fact that she’d almost been made a meal of by a bunch of Satanic groupies, her face was untroubled in sleep.
It had been seven hours since they’d run away from Angel’s Bend. Seven hours since Cam had rescued her from certain death at the hands of Zachael, his old foe, and Linda or Lucifer or whoever that demon had been. Now, as the day dawned the realisation hit him. He may have saved her in the short term but the true journey had only begun. Between them, and with the help of Ty, they had to find the demon that had laid Lucifer’s Mark upon Lacey and slay him. Well, Lacey must slay him.  It was the only way the mark could be removed and the curse obliterated. Putting a palm to her head, he stroked the softness of her hair over the crown of her head. God knows how she was going to react when he informed her of that. Her fear at the branding ceremony had almost killed her.

Lacey stirred from her sleep and rubbed a fist across her eyes. Rolling to her back, she looked up. The sun was shining on Cam’s golden hair like a halo - just as it had on the first day she’d seen him. His blue eyes looked down on her in a way no boy had ever looked at her before. How could it be possible that such a glorious creature could fall in love with someone like her?  She was so … so ordinary. 
“Good morning.”
Cam leant down and placed his lips to hers. Prisms of coloured light shot into the air between them and he pulled back a little.
“You really have to learn how to control that,” Lacey giggled at him.  “It’s very distracting to be kissing you with those sparks flying everywhere.”
“Sorry.”  Cam looked anything but repentant.  He looked like a boy who was interested in way more than kissing.
“I don’t think you are. I think you like the fact that we have ‘sparks flying between us’.”
Cam leant in again.  “Close your eyes then. You won’t be able to see them with your eyes closed. If you can’t see them, you can’t get distracted.”
Dutifully, Lacey closed her eyes and Cam kissed her.  His lips were warm and soft, pressing on hers.  His hand crept slowly to cup the side of her face, warming it against the morning chill.
“I can still feel them you know,” Lacey mumbled against his lips. 
“What?”
“The sparks. They tickle.”
“Shhh.”
“But they do.”
Cam moved his lips again, applying more pressure.  His hand wove its way through Lacey’s hair, holding her firm as he deepened the kiss.
She sighed.  This was so perfect.  If only it didn’t have to end.
After a minute or two Lacey, pulled away and sat up.  The sun had reached the sky fully now, having made its way over the hill.  It was shining down on Angel’s Bend like it did every other day.  It was just like every other day, Lacey thought, except her life was now so different.  She had her own personal angel and her friend was dating a slayer. She’d discovered her mother had made a pact with the devil and her father had been too weak to stop it. Her life couldn’t be more different.
“So, what’s the plan?”
She looked over at Cam who had been studying the sunrise too. A small crinkle of thought appeared between his eyebrows and his eyes narrowed a little. His face was a study in seriousness, which was understandable, she supposed.
Cam’s fingers moved from her knee and dug into the pocket of his hoodie.  He drew out a small square of fabric and handed it to her.
“First things, first.  Happy 18th Birthday.”  He kissed her cheek.
Lacey looked at the parcel in her hand.  Geez, with all that had happened she’d completely forgot it was her birthday.  How the hell had Cam found time to go shopping?
“What’s this?”
Okay so that had sounded a bit lame.
“A present.”
Equally lame.
“Ha ha.”
“Open it.”
For some reason, Lacey’s fingers trembled as she unwrapped the gift.  She didn’t know why. It wasn’t as if she was in any doubt that Cam’s present would be exactly what she wanted, even if she didn’t know she did.  He had that knack of seeing into her soul and interpreting her thoughts.  He should be good a buying gifts.  She looked down into the scrap of fabric.
There, nestled between the folds was a pair of the most gorgeous teardrop shaped earrings she had ever seen.  Made from the clearest crystal, they were the smallest yet most perfect things she had ever been given.  Lacey was overwhelmed. She thought she might cry.
“Oh Cam, where did you get them?  They’re beautiful.” Picking one up she examined it, watching as the light caught in its facets and winked.
“You like them?”
“I love them but where did they come from?” James from the jewellers didn’t carry any stock that vaguely resembled this.  His window display consisted of replicas of Princess Diana’s engagement ring from 1980 and gaudy cubic zirconia necklaces.
“I had them made for you.  While you were sleeping one night, I crept into your room and collected some of your tears.  The Ellerwoman cast her magic over them, freezing them into crystals. Then I took them to a man I helped many years ago and he set them as earrings.”
They were so delicate.  Lacey still couldn’t believe it.  “That must have cost you a fortune. I don’t deserve it, really I don’t.”
Cam smiled and lifted one of the earrings to slip it through the naked holes at Lacey’s lobes.  He sat back and admired them.
“It cost me nothing.  I called in a favour, that’s all.  I wanted to show you how much I cared. And you do deserve it, Lace.  Don’t ever think otherwise.”
Lacey smiled.  It was unbelievable that Cam would do all this for her, not because he was her protector but because he truly cared.  No one had ever cared that much before. 
“Thank you.”
“Now, grab your back pack, we have to get moving before the day gets any further advanced.  We’ve a lot to do if we want to find the demon.”
“Where are we going?”
Cam pointed down to the thickest part of the valley.  “The Ellerwoman is waiting for us.  We can stay at her cottage for as long as we need.”
“But you said she doesn’t like people.”
“I know, but I’m not people. Anyway, she’s leaving after we arrive.  Every year she goes on a quest up the mountain gathering rare herbs and plants for her spells.  Some of the flowers she uses only bloom at this time of year, so she has to go now.  Often it takes her weeks to find what she needs and return home.”
“By which time you’re hoping we’ll have done what we need to?”
As in the demon would be dead.
Cam took Lacey’s hand and led her down the path that lead towards the forest.  “I hope so.  This has gone on long enough. You need your life back.”

*****
The Ellerwoman, Indriel, was not at all what Lacey had expected.  She’d thought the woman who greeted them would be stooped and wrinkled like a witch from fairytales she’d read as a child.  They had trudged their way through the forest for the best part of an hour after all and the clearing they’d come too looked remarkably like a picture from a story of Hansel and Gretel.  Yet, here was this ethereal faery creature, standing in the doorway of the little stone house.
Indriel was taller than Cam and thin, very thin.  She had wispy black hair decorated with wildflowers that hung down past her waist and shone in the early morning sun. As she walked out to greet them, it rippled like a gauze curtain drifting on the breeze.
“Chamuel.” 
Indriel held out her hand, taking Cam’s in her long thin one.  Lacey noticed the chunky silver signet ring on her middle finger, carved with symbols and the extreme length of her thumb nail, a contrast to the shortness of the rest.
“And Lacey?”
“Yes.  Thank you for letting us use your cottage.  It’s very kind.”
“I am never kind.  I do this because your aunt has shown me great compassion over the years.  I merely pay her back.”
Lacey still couldn’t believe that Aunt Beth was actually friends with a real life faery but given that Cam was an angel and Abbie’s mother, Linda, had turned out to be Lucifer, nothing seemed impossible anymore. Maybe Michael Jackson and Kurt Cobain weren’t really dead?
“Well, thank you anyway.”
 Indriel didn’t smile but turned back to the house indicating that that they should follow.  Her dress, of the sheerest green fabric, wafted over her body as she walked then settled around her feet like waves on a beach as she shut the door and faced them.  Lacey had never seen a face so devoid of emotion.  It was extremely hard to fathom.
“I will be gone for some weeks. Do not feel that you have to rush off.  You may stay until the danger has passed.”
She reached to a hook on the wall and took down a floor length cape, the colour of the forest, wrapping it around her body and fastening it at her neck. Then she hooked a wicker basket that had been sitting on the table over her arm, and with a nod to Cam was gone.
Lacey stood looking at the door for a moment.
“Well, she’s not the chirpiest person I’ve ever met.”
“No.  She leads a strange life.  But in her own way, she’s good.  She just has no feelings.  As she said, she is repaying a kindness by your aunt, she’s not doing it to feel good.”
“So she never feels a thing? Joy, sadness? Nothing?”
“She has a hollow heart. Sort of discounts the ability to feel things.”
“I used to know people who’d have given anything not to feel things. Me included.”
Lacey began to walk around the tiny cottage.  It was sparsely furnished, with simple wooden furniture that looked like it had been hand made from pieces of wood found on a forest floor.  A large fireplace stood on one wall and in it a small fire had been set under a cooking pot. 
“Please tell me this isn’t how we’re eating for the next few weeks.” Lacey’s nose crinkled at the thought.
Cam pointed in the other direction where a wood burning stove was already alight, giving a chuckle at the look of horror on Lacey’s face.  “Indriel’s not quite that primitive.  Hundreds of years ago she cooked over the fire but she’s moved with the times.  We have heat, hot water and an oven. The fire in the grate is only lit when she needs it for a spell or just as a comfort.”
Lacey breathed an inward sigh.  She may have grown up on a remote farm but she’d never been a fan of camping.
“So there’s no internet then? Or electricity?” she joked.
Cam merely rolled his eyes.
“Sorry. You’ll have to make do with my company and a few candles in the night or the gas lamp.”
Lacey considered the idea for a minute and decided it might be nice.  Her, Cam and the romance of candlelight. Alone. No adults. This could be a dream come true.
“Don’t let your mind wander too much,” he admonished gently.  “We’re not here for a honeymoon.”
Pity.
In another corner of the room Lacey spotted a small wooden bed.  It was longer than standard, understandable if it had been made for its owner, but much narrower than her own queen sized bed at home.  Now that could pose a problem. Unless they intended on sleeping cuddled up.
“You’re doing it again, Lacey.”
Lacey reddened.  “Well, stop jumping around in my head.  I can’t help what goes on in there. Anyway, I was simply being practical.  You have to admit that bed won’t be big enough for both of us.”
“I wasn’t intending on sharing it with you.”
“What! Why?”
“I mean, I was going to let you have it.  I can survive on little or no sleep.  And I can’t keep watch if I’m laying there with you. I’ll sleep in the rocking chair.”
Lacey stepped towards him. Her eyes were filled with mischief. “Sounds like you’re a little bit scared of being alone with me, Mr. Tough Angel.”
“Not in the least.”
She stepped closer and wound her arms around his neck. Her chest pressed against him and she could feel his angelic heart beginning to beat faster. “But the thought of being in that bed with me frightens you? Am I right?”
“The thought of losing control and something bad happening because of it frightens me.  We can’t forget why I’m here.”
Lacey moved her lips within kissing distance of Cam’s.  She could feel the electricity beginning to fly. “I have no intention of forgetting why we’re here but for the moment can we just act like two hormonal teenagers and make out for a while? This may be the only opportunity we get to be alone for a very long time.”
Cam sighed. “I suppose so.”
“I beg your pardon!”
“Joke, Lacey,” he grinned, and drew her closer.
 

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